The Parallel World

Entering the land of the living

Category: Bereavement

This booklet is for months three through six. The impossible months when the world decides you should be better now. When the shock has worn off and the casseroles have stopped and everyone is gently suggesting it’s time to ‘get back out there.’ You’re still grieving. Actively grieving. But the world’s patience with your grief has expired.

The Script You Learn

They ask with good intentions. Usually. Some ask because they genuinely care. But here’s what you learn very quickly: they don’t actually want to know. Not really. What they want is confirmation that you’re okay. That you’re managing. That they don’t need to worry or do anything or sit with uncomfortable feelings. So you learn the script. The acceptable answer. The answer that lets everyone off the hook.

The Two Selves

By now you’ve developed two distinct selves. Private Self: The one who cries. Who rages. Who curls up in bed. Who talks to empty rooms. Public Self: The one who goes to work. Who answers emails. Who smiles. Who says ‘I’m fine.’ Both selves are real. Both are you. Neither is fake. They’re just operating in different contexts. Different worlds.

The Small Returns

You’ll have moments, small, unexpected moments, where you feel almost normal. Where you laugh and forget for a second that your person is dead. Where something interests you. These moments will surprise you. Maybe scare you. You might feel guilty. Like you’re betraying your person by having a moment of okay-ness. You’re not. You’re allowed to have moments of not-grief.

Good Company

Wild — Cheryl Strayed, 2012
After her mother’s death and the collapse of her life, Strayed hikes the Pacific Crest Trail, not to escape grief but to carry it somewhere new. She writes about the exhausting performance of functioning while shattered, the mask you wear in trail towns, the relief of wilderness where you don’t have to pretend. She captures the exact experience of re-entry: moving through a world that expects normalcy while you’re fundamentally changed. The trail is her parallel world. She’s learning to exist in both.
The Descendants — Alexander Payne, 2011
Matt King’s wife is dying, then dead, and he has to keep showing up, to parenting, to work, to family obligations, while catastrophe unfolds inside him. The film captures the brutal comedy of performing normalcy during crisis: wearing the right clothes, saying the right things, managing other people’s emotions while your world has ended. George Clooney’s performance is all surface competence covering complete devastation. It’s painfully accurate about the dress rehearsal of returning to life.
Hospice — The Antlers, 2009
Peter Silberman writes about caring for someone dying, then navigating the aftermath, the brutal re-entry into regular life after living in crisis. These orchestral indie-rock songs capture the exhaustion of performing okay, the mask that gets heavier every day, existing in two worlds simultaneously. ‘Bear’ articulates it: ’There’s a bear inside your stomach... and you’re curled up in a ball.‘ You’re carrying catastrophe while appearing functional. The album knows that territory.